just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
