I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
