I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize