So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
