I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
