we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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