I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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