This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
