So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm jealous of your bromance
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
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I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
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I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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