Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
