I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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