I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
