And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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