i wish my penis had a tongue
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
