Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again