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i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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