get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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