The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
