i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
