I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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