When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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