Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
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It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems