At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED