"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
