Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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