Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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