You're my little dorito
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Green mimosas i think yes
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
