here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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