the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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