as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
