My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
