you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
