Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
