he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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