Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Found your dick twin last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
