then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
