so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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