So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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