i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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