Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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