I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
