I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
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i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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