So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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