my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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