Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
