Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she smelled like a LAN party
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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