Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
