Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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