I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
