nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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