I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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