It's like God shit irony all over that family
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
