bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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