i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
