I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
