hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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