You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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