What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
