I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
