This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
